A humorless smile flashes over his face briefly. Essek doesn't try to hide the ache there; Vax had already seen it, somehow. He can't even recall seeing the half-elf earlier, so it must have been without him noticing, in a moment unguarded and lost in thought.
Eyes closing, he leans into the warmth of that hand pressed to his face. So many things have shifted, lately. Not just him physically to a new place, but mentally, emotionally. The way in which he relates to the world has changed entirely, but Essek finds himself struggling to let go of old habits, pushed back into their grasp having found himself in completely uncharted territory.
But he is...trying. In small ways. Some people make it easier - people like Vax, so quick to offer comfort without question. Essek can't help but think he doesn't quite deserve it; especially since Vax doesn't know anything about what he's done. But, even more selfishly, Essek can't bring himself to tell him. Not yet.
Which means he shouldn't accept what Vax is offering now. Turning him away would be hard, and maybe that's something for another day, when he has strength of will again.
Violet eyes open again. There's a softness in them, warm as he reaches to tuck a stray piece of dark hair behind one pointed ear, thumb tracing softly over the point. It's as much a comfort to him as he hopes it is to Vax'ildan.
"You're doing it, lovely bird. Your concern is...comforting."
vax notices that humorless smile, and it strikes him in his heart, reminding him that he doesn't have limitless control, he can't fix everything no matter how deeply he wants to try. he has his limits, and if essek doesn't let him in, there's nothing he can do about that but... be here, like he asks.
there's something under that surface, behind those purple eyes, and vax wants nothing more than to destroy whatever it is, to make essek smile again, to make him laugh the way he's seen so rarely. it gives him a flare of annoyance that that isn't an option, as if essek is meant to do this alone, but he doesn't have to. he could accept help if he weren't being so stubborn.
vax'ildan does notice, though, the little ways that he tries. he accepts the touches to his face, he leans into them. he's staying here, after all. he hasn't left vax high and dry yet. he's accepting the little comfort vax can offer him. essek reaches out to stroke the point of vax's ear and he hums a little in pleasant surprise. it's become a gesture of silent affection, a way to turn his innermost feelings outward. at least, vax thinks it has.
"well. i still feel useless," he concedes, but his heart isn't in the declaration. he gazes after essek, stroking his thumb over a cheekbone. "but i'm glad i'm helping."
"I know, I'm sorry." But a real smile finds its way to his lips. It's rare in its openness, gentle and fond, that only a handful of people have witnessed in any recent memory. Essek leans more into Vax's touch, focusing on it. So few instances in his life has touch been so freely given just for comfort and intimacy. Even since coming here, most touch has a purpose as a means to something else.
But Vax, especially makes moments like these feel so...natural. Simple. Like he could give up his worries for a time and just be lost, and it doesn't have to be any more complicated than that.
(It is, of course. Because of what he's done. It will always be more complicated.)
Essek rubs the tip of that ear between his thumb and forefinger thoughtfully.
"You are. I...greatly appreciate your company, Vax'ildan. Sometimes it is nice to be with someone who...does not carry so many expectations of you."
vax stares, gazing at essek when he smiles. he makes a mental note to commit that to memory, writing it in stone so he may never lose that joy in his expression. it feels real, it feels genuine. and maybe he really is helping, despite how useless he feels. his own hand on essek's face feels like a blemish in this image, in this frozen moment he wishes he could keep forever.
he doesn't realize he's breathless until he feels that rub at the tip of his ear again. he has to inhale to get himself back to earth, his eyes looking from essek to his arm, to his own hand, back up again. how long had he been staring?
"i don't think i have any expectations of you," he admits, grinning a little. "but i could say the same. back home, i was a brother, i was a boyfriend, i was a champion. i was reliable and sneaky and... i was a lot of things. as much comfort as i found in those things, it's nice to be here. it's simple."
"Mm," his smile shifts to amusement as Vax appears distracted for a moment, fingers still gently brushing against the edge of his ear. It's still only a fond, affectionate touch, occasionally dipping down to explore the hinge of his jaw, or hollow of his cheek.
"It is in some ways, isn't it? The things that may have been following us in Exandria that can no longer reach here. It's nice to have a bit of respite. And I feel happy, to have had the chance to meet you. It seems unlikely our paths would have crossed otherwise."
seeing essek smile had been such a beautiful sight that vax can't get it out of his mind. essek's hands on him are relaxing, soft, comforting, all the things he's needed since his arrival to the island. things have been easier than expected for him to swallow, and essek is one of those things.
so vax'ildan surges forward, crossing the space to catch essek in a soft but sudden kiss. he's tired of not kissing him, of letting him be so close without being close enough. he's upset about something, vax doesn't need to know what, but he does want to show him he doesn’t need to talk. he doesn’t need to open himself any more than he has to. vax is here, he’ll listen.
The pull between them feels magnetic, drawn inexplicably but yet so naturally toward one another. The kiss catches him a little off guard, but the tension that rises in surprise falls away immediately as Essek sinks into the kiss. Eyes closing, sighing softly in something like relief. His shoulders drop slightly, muscles unwinding.
...but then it coils again. The hand against Vax's cheek slips back, curling in dark hair at the nape of his neck to press him closer. The hand against his arm tightens and presses fingertips against warm skin. Pale brows knit together as he pushes into the kiss a little more, almost desperately. It's not edged or hard, but a subtle shift in intensity, clinging to the gentleness that's offered without question. Sometimes Essek still doesn't quite know what to do with it, suspicious still of intent when it comes from anyone but a handful of people. But he's learning.
vax'ildan recognizes the shift, because not too long ago, it was him that clung to whatever kindnesses he could find. it was vax that latched on to keyleth, his shining star in the dark. she showed him affection and forced his hand when he never wanted to play it, a fact that he resented at the time. he learned to appreciate it, to love it.
and now he's going to do the same thing for someone who might not want it.
vax keeps his pace steady, remembering what it felt like to need a rock. he returns essek's kisses, but with less intensity, providing him a hold to grip, a lip to lift himself up by. half elven hands hold his cheek, building a bridge to suspend for his friend.
take what you need, he doesn't say. i'm here for you.
It's relatively short-lived. The warm steadiness does much to quell the burst of immediate need, the search for an anchor point. It's hard to know what he wants lately, what feels right and what may not be. Even when he thinks his own intentions aren't wrong, it's sometimes still hard to know for sure. Vax feels right, but Essek knows he can't hold the truth from him for long. At the very least, he might hear it from one of the Nein, even if incidentally.
But for now, at least, he could find some comfort in a neutral but still familiar presence.
He breaks away with a soft sigh, leans forehead to cheek. Joining him on the couch seems more and more appealing, but there simply isn't enough room to be comfortable.
Essek huffs softly, amused at his own thoughts. "We must get you a room of your own."
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Eyes closing, he leans into the warmth of that hand pressed to his face. So many things have shifted, lately. Not just him physically to a new place, but mentally, emotionally. The way in which he relates to the world has changed entirely, but Essek finds himself struggling to let go of old habits, pushed back into their grasp having found himself in completely uncharted territory.
But he is...trying. In small ways. Some people make it easier - people like Vax, so quick to offer comfort without question. Essek can't help but think he doesn't quite deserve it; especially since Vax doesn't know anything about what he's done. But, even more selfishly, Essek can't bring himself to tell him. Not yet.
Which means he shouldn't accept what Vax is offering now. Turning him away would be hard, and maybe that's something for another day, when he has strength of will again.
Violet eyes open again. There's a softness in them, warm as he reaches to tuck a stray piece of dark hair behind one pointed ear, thumb tracing softly over the point. It's as much a comfort to him as he hopes it is to Vax'ildan.
"You're doing it, lovely bird. Your concern is...comforting."
no subject
there's something under that surface, behind those purple eyes, and vax wants nothing more than to destroy whatever it is, to make essek smile again, to make him laugh the way he's seen so rarely. it gives him a flare of annoyance that that isn't an option, as if essek is meant to do this alone, but he doesn't have to. he could accept help if he weren't being so stubborn.
vax'ildan does notice, though, the little ways that he tries. he accepts the touches to his face, he leans into them. he's staying here, after all. he hasn't left vax high and dry yet. he's accepting the little comfort vax can offer him. essek reaches out to stroke the point of vax's ear and he hums a little in pleasant surprise. it's become a gesture of silent affection, a way to turn his innermost feelings outward. at least, vax thinks it has.
"well. i still feel useless," he concedes, but his heart isn't in the declaration. he gazes after essek, stroking his thumb over a cheekbone. "but i'm glad i'm helping."
no subject
But Vax, especially makes moments like these feel so...natural. Simple. Like he could give up his worries for a time and just be lost, and it doesn't have to be any more complicated than that.
(It is, of course. Because of what he's done. It will always be more complicated.)
Essek rubs the tip of that ear between his thumb and forefinger thoughtfully.
"You are. I...greatly appreciate your company, Vax'ildan. Sometimes it is nice to be with someone who...does not carry so many expectations of you."
no subject
vax stares, gazing at essek when he smiles. he makes a mental note to commit that to memory, writing it in stone so he may never lose that joy in his expression. it feels real, it feels genuine. and maybe he really is helping, despite how useless he feels. his own hand on essek's face feels like a blemish in this image, in this frozen moment he wishes he could keep forever.
he doesn't realize he's breathless until he feels that rub at the tip of his ear again. he has to inhale to get himself back to earth, his eyes looking from essek to his arm, to his own hand, back up again. how long had he been staring?
"i don't think i have any expectations of you," he admits, grinning a little. "but i could say the same. back home, i was a brother, i was a boyfriend, i was a champion. i was reliable and sneaky and... i was a lot of things. as much comfort as i found in those things, it's nice to be here. it's simple."
no subject
"It is in some ways, isn't it? The things that may have been following us in Exandria that can no longer reach here. It's nice to have a bit of respite. And I feel happy, to have had the chance to meet you. It seems unlikely our paths would have crossed otherwise."
no subject
so vax'ildan surges forward, crossing the space to catch essek in a soft but sudden kiss. he's tired of not kissing him, of letting him be so close without being close enough. he's upset about something, vax doesn't need to know what, but he does want to show him he doesn’t need to talk. he doesn’t need to open himself any more than he has to. vax is here, he’ll listen.
he wants to kiss him.
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...but then it coils again. The hand against Vax's cheek slips back, curling in dark hair at the nape of his neck to press him closer. The hand against his arm tightens and presses fingertips against warm skin. Pale brows knit together as he pushes into the kiss a little more, almost desperately. It's not edged or hard, but a subtle shift in intensity, clinging to the gentleness that's offered without question. Sometimes Essek still doesn't quite know what to do with it, suspicious still of intent when it comes from anyone but a handful of people. But he's learning.
no subject
and now he's going to do the same thing for someone who might not want it.
vax keeps his pace steady, remembering what it felt like to need a rock. he returns essek's kisses, but with less intensity, providing him a hold to grip, a lip to lift himself up by. half elven hands hold his cheek, building a bridge to suspend for his friend.
take what you need, he doesn't say. i'm here for you.
no subject
But for now, at least, he could find some comfort in a neutral but still familiar presence.
He breaks away with a soft sigh, leans forehead to cheek. Joining him on the couch seems more and more appealing, but there simply isn't enough room to be comfortable.
Essek huffs softly, amused at his own thoughts. "We must get you a room of your own."