I feel like he gets irritated with me sometimes because I'm just...needy?
[she twists her hands anxiously]
And I think I'm suffocating him because I just...I know that he loves me very much, but he's got all these other people to love, too, and I'm scared I want too much of his love and affection, and I think he thought that maybe I would branch out more, but I don't really want to.
[ The quirk of a smile that flashes to his lips comes faster than he can conceal it. Knowing what he does of Vax'ildan's intensity, Essek has a hard time imagining Keyleth being the more needy of the two. He shakes his head. ]
It can be hard when we are thrust into circumstances outside our comfort zones. It may push us to behave in ways that we wouldn't otherwise. [ His first few weeks had certainly begun that way. ]
I do not think that you should feel pressure to...reach out, in that way, if you do not wish to. And - forgive me if this is presumptuous, but I can certainly understand your reluctance, particularly given that your time together was cut short.
[curiously--or perhaps not--it's that which breaks the dam, makes tears roll down her cheeks. she draws her knees up to her chest and rests her head on them]
so short.
[wistful]
i just wanted to get married and spend our life together, the way we'd always talked about. when I got here and he was here, I thought it would be like a second chance, that we'd get to do all of those things. and I was so happy! I was so, so happy.
but he'd... he'd found Shaun again. and it makes me feel like, even though he says he doesn't want to choose, and I don't want to make him choose....it makes me feel like he chose wrong. like...like...
when he calls Shaun his fiance when he's talking to me it feels like someone's twisting a knife in my heart.
[ oh-- he probably should have anticipated that sort of reaction. As she physically withdraws, Essek just gives her a sympathetic look. He's quiet a moment, sitting with the uncomfortable feelings in his chest. It's not hard to imagine himself in her place, truth be told, even if it isn't a real fear that he carries. Anymore, at least. ]
...I think you are not wrong to be upset. [ He speaks cautiously. It isn't his place to meddle in the situation directly, and not something he particularly wants to be in the middle of. ]
You had hopes and expectations that were taken from you. And from what I understand, this feels like a second chance - however strange it may be - for all of you. It is hard not to see it as unequal when one of you carries such a designation and the other does not.
I will not pretend to know any of you better than you know each other. It is clear to me the love that you carry for one another. But I feel that...equally important is your own happiness, and what that looks like in this arrangement. If, indeed, it is something that can make you happy.
We'd talked about it at home. Before he... [she bites her lip, playing with the fabric of the chair] ...so it's just...
I don't know, Essek. I feel like...I can't imagine being without him, so I just have to keep being patient, I guess. Cause we'll...we'll get back there. We have to. Even if I don't understand...well, never mind.
[ I can't imagine being without him. It touches on a thought he tries not to consider most days; the inescapable truth of time and the large distance of it that will one day separate him from all of them. Essek suspects that it would have eventually been the same for Keyleth, even had Vax lived in Exandria.
He sets it aside, and leans in, prompting her gently. ]
[she can't begin to think of it--of by how much she will outlive everyone, even Vax, even if he'd have lived.]
...why it changed, or how? at home he wanted all the same things I did, and now it feels like...I don't know. perhaps he does and I'm just being impatient. worrying myself over nothing.
[ Essek regards her quietly a moment. He has no answers, only guesses that aren't his place to make. ]
I think perhaps the only way to find out for sure is simply to ask him.
In the Dynasty, those within Kryn society who are consecuted are able to live many lifetimes. Some remain partners eternally, returning to one another lifetime after lifetime. But just as many separate and find new lovers. Sometimes things simply are different enough, from one lifetime to the next. Perhaps there is something to the cycle of life and death that more profoundly changes some more than it does others.
At the very least...I think it is only fair to both of you to have an understanding of what happens next for you.
[she draws up a bit more at that. it makes her heart ache to think about but she doesn't want to cry in front of Essek anymore, so she just makes herself small, chews on her lip]
Yeah, you're...you're probably right, I should just talk to him about it. Thanks, Essek.
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no subject
I think I understand, a little. I too had little interest for such things until the right person appeared.
[ His attraction to Vax had been considerably different...but that is not the point, here. Essek considers her gently. ]
Do you think that...[ He struggles for the right words ] ...well, what do you mean? That he is...unsatisfied?
no subject
[she considers her words carefully]
I feel like he gets irritated with me sometimes because I'm just...needy?
[she twists her hands anxiously]
And I think I'm suffocating him because I just...I know that he loves me very much, but he's got all these other people to love, too, and I'm scared I want too much of his love and affection, and I think he thought that maybe I would branch out more, but I don't really want to.
no subject
It can be hard when we are thrust into circumstances outside our comfort zones. It may push us to behave in ways that we wouldn't otherwise. [ His first few weeks had certainly begun that way. ]
I do not think that you should feel pressure to...reach out, in that way, if you do not wish to. And - forgive me if this is presumptuous, but I can certainly understand your reluctance, particularly given that your time together was cut short.
no subject
so short.
[wistful]
i just wanted to get married and spend our life together, the way we'd always talked about. when I got here and he was here, I thought it would be like a second chance, that we'd get to do all of those things. and I was so happy! I was so, so happy.
but he'd... he'd found Shaun again. and it makes me feel like, even though he says he doesn't want to choose, and I don't want to make him choose....it makes me feel like he chose wrong. like...like...
when he calls Shaun his fiance when he's talking to me it feels like someone's twisting a knife in my heart.
no subject
...I think you are not wrong to be upset. [ He speaks cautiously. It isn't his place to meddle in the situation directly, and not something he particularly wants to be in the middle of. ]
You had hopes and expectations that were taken from you. And from what I understand, this feels like a second chance - however strange it may be - for all of you. It is hard not to see it as unequal when one of you carries such a designation and the other does not.
I will not pretend to know any of you better than you know each other. It is clear to me the love that you carry for one another. But I feel that...equally important is your own happiness, and what that looks like in this arrangement. If, indeed, it is something that can make you happy.
no subject
I don't know, Essek. I feel like...I can't imagine being without him, so I just have to keep being patient, I guess. Cause we'll...we'll get back there. We have to. Even if I don't understand...well, never mind.
no subject
He sets it aside, and leans in, prompting her gently. ]
Don't understand...?
no subject
...why it changed, or how? at home he wanted all the same things I did, and now it feels like...I don't know. perhaps he does and I'm just being impatient. worrying myself over nothing.
no subject
I think perhaps the only way to find out for sure is simply to ask him.
In the Dynasty, those within Kryn society who are consecuted are able to live many lifetimes. Some remain partners eternally, returning to one another lifetime after lifetime. But just as many separate and find new lovers. Sometimes things simply are different enough, from one lifetime to the next. Perhaps there is something to the cycle of life and death that more profoundly changes some more than it does others.
At the very least...I think it is only fair to both of you to have an understanding of what happens next for you.
no subject
Yeah, you're...you're probably right, I should just talk to him about it. Thanks, Essek.